I was going to write a glowing post about my new birthday laptop (No airplane taking off sounds! No crashes!) or the fact that we found our dream house yesterday (In our price range! Walking distance to the elementary and junior high schools!) and are placing a bid. But all I can focus on is the fact that A has vomited eight times since midnight.

This time the jinx blame can all be laid at M’s feet. Is this winter over yet? Oh, wait, look, there are 12.inches.of.snow. outside my door.

So now that A is no longer sick (for the moment) we were able to go to swimming lessons. And she swam all by herself! I never got to see this with C since we started him later and after one session he moved to non-parent lessons. Needless to say, she made me proud – especially when the instructor said she wants to move A to the next level class.

End of gloating.

Knowing my losing track record at Scrabble, despite one lone win, Rebecca broke our “no birthday presents because, well, birthday present purchasing is a pain” rule and bought me this. I will crush M like a bug. I’ve never been so excited to put the kids to bed, and C isn’t even up yet.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I got my first “I dove du” from A today. It was the sweetest thing ever, or at least since C first told me he loved me. It is the best almost birthday present she could have given me.

I’m going to ignore the fact that she told C she “doved” him first and then I shamelessly showered her with affection until she caved.

Someone told me that I was supposed to do a 100 things post for my 100th post. Well, I missed that one by a long shot. I’ve always been slow on the uptake. Hey, there’s number 1! Since I always enjoy reading other people’s lists, and don’t have much else to blog about today since I am already caught up in Spring Carnival planning hell, I’ll subject you to my 100 things list instead of a tirade about who cares whether the donuts are chocolate or powdered. Both are messy and unhealthy.

2. Although I may be slow on the uptake, I’m a fast reader.
3. If I have nothing else to do I can read two or three books in a day.
4. The ability to read quickly served me well in school and on standardized exams.
5. Although my grades were never all that remarkable.
6. Thankfully I went to a particularly liberal prep school where class rankings weren’t calculated.
7. I was number 38 in a class of 100.
8. My closest friends were 1, 3, 4 and 6.
9. Hmm, I guess someone was calculating them.
10. I had a lot of back up schools when applying to college.
11. I went to one of them, by choice.
12. My college counselor had a major fit because it made her look bad.
13. My dad had a major fit because I turned down a scholarship to a better school.
14. I’m not sure why my mother let me do that, except maybe to contradict my dad.
15. My mom was always good at letting me make my own decisions.
16. Except when they involved getting involved in professional gymnastics or going on unchaperoned ski weekends with boys.
17. She was probably right, but shhh, don’t tell her.
18. After a miserable freshman year I actually really liked college.
19. Even though it snowed all.the.time, even on graduation. In May.
20. I ended up with a triple major because I was too indecisive to narrow it down.
21. It’s not nearly as impressive as it might sound.
22. Although it did get me a lot of interviews after graduation.
23. And someone finally offer me a job, in advertising.
24. I was perhaps the worst advertising exec ever.
25. So I left and went to grad school.
26. This time I didn’t turn down the scholarship.
27. I planned on getting a PhD in Political Science.
28. But then I fell in love with a guy who lived in NYC.
29. I went to grad school four hours from NYC.
30. I spent a lot of time in the car while in grad school, more time than in the library.
31. After I defended my master’s thesis I left grad school.
32. And got married three weeks later.
33. M planned the wedding.
34. I was too busy writing and defending my thesis.
35. He did a lovely job on the wedding, everyone agreed.
36. My dad dropped out of grad school and moved back east to marry my mother instead of finishing his PhD too.
37. They got divorced 12 years later.
38. My mother apparently handed out drinks at my wedding to all passers by.
39. My friends have always loved my mom, and not just because she gave them drinks at my wedding.
40. I love my mom.
41. And my little sister.
42. And my dad, even though we don’t tend to say such things to each other.
43. I don’t love my stepbrother.
44. I hope my kids never have stepsiblings.
45. I am a textbook child of divorce according to a therapist I once saw.
46. Therapy has never worked well for me.
47. I don’t open up to people well, even if I am paying them gobs of money.
48. Once I know you I won’t shut up, but I can count on one had the number of people who have seen that side of me.
49. Ironically, I am a joiner despite my inability to open my mouth in a group setting.
50. I joined a sorority in college.
51. I’m always embarrassed to admit that.
52. It goes against my self-image.
53. But it was probably the best thing that happened to me.
54. Well, up to that point in my life anyway.
55. It’s probably the whole reason I didn’t drop out of college because I was so lonely.
56. I met my husband through a sorority sister.
57. And my best friend is a sorority sister, despite the fact that we didn’t live well together after college.
58. It will surprise no one who knows us that we used to go through the phone bill with highlighters and proportionally split the tax.
59. I think that was probably my idea.
60. I always worry that money isn’t being handled equitably.
61. Perhaps that comes from not having much growing up.
62. I grew up on a sheep farm in New England.
63. I have no interest in being a farmer ever again.
64. For a long time I wanted to be president.
65. But that would have involved speaking in front of large groups of people.
66. It turns out I have stage fright.
67. And lots of anxiety.
68. I really hate the anxiety.
69. But I am too anxious about taking medications to try anti-anxiety meds.
70. So I spend a lot of time doing deep breathing.
71. That works a little better than therapy.
72. So does hugging my kids.
73. Having children hasn’t helped the anxiety.
74. Now I worry about them on top of everything else.
75. I love my kids more than anything in the world, even though it took me three quarters of this list to get to them.
76. But hey, this list is about me.
77. And there are very few things in my life that are about me these days.
78. My kids frustrate me more than anything in the world.
79. Well, except people who walk slowly.
80. I am a fast walker.
81. I fit right in when I lived in NYC.
82. I miss living in the city.
83. Enough to price out apartments there every six months or so.
84. But not enough to spend the kids’ college savings on a small apartment with no view.
85. My in-laws used to have a drop dead gorgeous view from the 35th floor.
86. I never understood how they could have left that place for a “if you squint you can see a corner of the park” view.
87. But apparently it’s a better view to have, go figure.
88. This train of thought isn’t really about me, is it?
89. I tend to wander off topic a lot.
90. I got that from my mom.
91. I got my love of cooking from my mom too.
92. I got my taste in condiments from my dad.
93. We both dislike mayonnaise and love ketchup.
94. I also love a good BBQ.
95. It’s the only time I will touch beer.
96. But it has to be Corona.
97. When I have a drink it’s white wine.
98. Fume Blanc in the summer, chardonnay in the winter.
99. I am a creature of habit and I hate change.
100. That is probably the most important thing you need to know about me.

I believe I was slightly possessed this morning at the parents association meeting at C’s preschool. Because, you see, I somehow ended up in charge of the Spring Carnival, the biggest event of the year. And do you know HOW this ended up happening? Not because others thought I would be good at it, or because I thought I would be good at it, or even because no one else wanted the job. No, I FOUGHT for the job because the woman who had originally volunteered can’t run a meeting to save her life and I couldn’t face spending the next six weeks wasting my time in poorly run meetings. So instead I get to spend the next six weeks wasting my time making elaborate timelines and spreadsheets while begging people to do their volunteer duty for the year.

I am truly a fool.

Over the last 21ish months, while in the depths of around the clock nursing and random toddler who knows why wake ups, I rarely got more than two, maybe three hours of sleep in a row. Over the few weeks, A has finally started sleeping for bigger chunks of time (like four hours!), and once even slept all the way through the night.

The sleep is lovely, but what I find truly shocking is that I started having dreams again. I hadn’t even realized that I had stopped dreaming until late last week when I woke up very confused as to why I was in Maine mid-winter in a bikini. Seeing as I would never, ever, ever be seen in a bikini, not even by the dressing room security camera operators. After several minutes it finally dawned on me that it was just a dream, and I had not in fact taken leave of my senses.

Every morning I wake up amazed by the return of my dreams. I don’t remember most of them for very long, but just the fact that I am dreaming again seems to have calmed my anxiety and reduced my stress levels. I have been going whole days without thinking the world is coming to an end or something disastrous is going to happen to me or my family.

Dreams have not always been such a calming influence in my life. In high school, college and beyond, I had horrible recurring nightmares of being chased. I would find myself hiding in cramped places with dark shadows, watching through small peep holes as my pursuers relentlessly hunted me down . Just as I was being discovered I would wake up with a racing heart unable to sleep again for hours or days. I dreaded going to sleep some nights for fear of having my nightmares.

In the depths of my nightmare hell, I would have given anything to have dreamless nights. “A night without dreams? I’ll take it!” But even though I know that the nightmares will inevitably return, they always do, I have found the knowledge that they still exist somewhat comforting.

A: (From her bed) “Mommy, I sleepy.”

Mommy: “Well, go to sleep then A.”

Pause.

A: “Oh. But Mommy, I sleepy.”

Mommy: “I know, so go to sleep.”

A: “Oh. Kay. But I sleepy Mommy.”

C: (From his room) : “A, just go to sleep! The whole world knows you’re sleepy!”

A: “How sleep?”

And that folks, is the irony of my life. The child is tired, knows she is tired, but has no idea how to fall asleep or stay asleep.

Am I a horrible person for responding to mass email hoaxes from friends and family with a link to the relevant article on Snopes and no other message? I mean come on people. Please don’t forward me something that has been sent to millions of other people unless you’ve checked it out. Unless of course it’s a picture of this cute couple…